Irreverence / Irreverencia

Bruce Mars

She is irreverent, wild.  I wasn’t sure if she was messing around to get my attention or his. What do I have to do, she said, Lie down along the stage? I still wasn't sure which of us she wanted but took a risk and walked towards her while she stood up. Did you mean me?, I asked as we went to the floor. Yes! she said, I wouldn't dance with him. What a compliment, when a woman chooses a woman over a guy for dance. 

Heightwise, we are poorly compatible. She chats through the dancing and worse - gets me to do it too. She laughs like a she-devil and everyone looks but she is outrageous, endless fun. My cheeks hurt with smiling & laughing through that tanda. Stop! I hissed. Even without my specs I can tell that everyone at that table is looking! 

What? she said, characteristically insouciant.  They don’t like that we’re having fun while they’re sitting? 

*

Ella es irreverente, alocada. No estaba segura de si estaba bromeando para llamar mi atención o la de un hombre cercano.

Dijo ella: ¿Qué tengo que hacer, tumbarme en el suelo?  Quiso decir: "para llamar tu atención".  Aún no estaba segura de con quién de los dos quería para bailar - si conmigo (que bailo los dos papeles) o con el hombre de al lado.  Me arriesgué y me dirigí hacia ella mientras se levantaba. ¿Te referías a mi? pregunté mientras íbamos a la pista. Sí, dijo. No bailaría con él. Qué cumplido, cuando una mujer elige a una mujer en vez de a un hombre para bailar.  Una mujer que hace de hombre en la salsa mencionó hace poco que las mujeres suelen bailar mejor que los hombres, y a mí me ocurre lo mismo en el tango. 

En cuanto a la altura, somos poco compatibles, el “espiritu libre” y yo. Charla durante el baile y, lo que es peor, consigue que yo también lo haga. Se ríe como una diablesa y todo el mundo la mira, pero es escandalosamente divertida. Me dolían las mejillas de tanto reír y reír durante aquella tanda. ¡Para! siseé. ¡Incluso sin mis gafas puedo decir que todo el mundo en esa mesa está mirando! 

¿Qué? dijo, característicamente despreocupada. ¿No les gusta que nos divirtamos mientras ellos están sentados? 

Estoy muy agradecida a Amelia por su ayuda con la traducción. Cualquier error restante es sólo mío.

Ensnarement? / Las Droseras

 

The Cape sundew - Wikimedia commons

This text has been revised and republished on 20/5/23 from the original date of publication on 30/3/23.  

Sundews are one of the kinds of carnivorous plants, a concept slightly alarming and unnatural. They attract their prey by nectar glands exuding glistening droplets that shine like the sun. But the droplets are fatally sticky.

In the milongas there are some younger women, not many, who use chat as a strategy to get dances. They know it works. Sweet talk, charm, feminine wiles, call it what you will, few guys will resist that come-on from a younger woman. But there is something undignified watching young women resorting to this especially when all they generally need do is look young, pretty and willing. Besides, in these situations guys tend to want to look, touch and feel more than listen.

Knowing people unquestionably means more dances, yet it’s a fine line: social chat versus chat to try to ensnare a guy.

*

Este texto ha sido revisado y reeditado a partir de la fecha original de publicación en 30/3/23

Las droseras son un tipo de planta carnívora, un concepto un poco alarmante, antinatural. Atraen a sus presas mediante glándulas de néctar que exudan gotas relucientes que brillan como el sol. Pero las gotitas son mortalmente pegajosas. 

En la milonga hay algunas mujeres, pocas, no muchas y sobre todo jóvenes, que se involucran en una conversación como estrategia para bailar. Saben que es eficaz. Engrupir, engatusar echar flores, llamálo como quieras, pocos hombres se resistirán a la insinuación de una mujer joven.  Pero hay algo indigno sobre todo cuando lo único que necesitan, en general, es parecer jóvenes, guapas y dispuestas. Además, en estas situaciones los chabones tienden a querer mirar, tocar y sentir más que escuchar.

Conocer gente significa sin duda más bailes, sin embargo hay un límite sutil entre la charla social frente a charlarlo para que la invite a bailar.

Estoy muy agradecida a Angel, Ale, Amelia, Juan Carlos, Marta y a los miembros del foro WordReference por su ayuda con la traducción. Cualquier error restante es sólo mío.

The free spirit's advice / Consejo del espíritu libre

Nick Kenrick

My friend dances well despite being a new dancer.  We went to a milonga that was chock-a-block so we sat on the stage where there were extra tables and chairs and more space.  But perhaps as she was not well known she was not getting invitations to dance and I started to worry for her. 

I asked the free spirit who knows everyone, dances everywhere, how we could help my friend get more dances. The free spirit said: She should get off the stage.  She looks too remote up there.  Invitation doesn't happen much between different levels.  She should sit at a different table each tanda and chat to people. 

The free spirit said it had taken her five months to get dances at the local milonga. One day, a guy she'd got to know said: I know you. But we haven’t danced, have we? It took her another two and a half months to dance with him. 

Her aim was to dance more and she had a plan of action:  get to know people.

Small wonder that most new people, alone, don't find the milonga a haven. It's better to go with friends and, once there, meet others, because dances won't necessarily come knocking.

*

Mi amiga baila muy bien a pesar de ser novata. Fuimos a una milonga pero estaba explotado de gente así que nos desplazamos al escenario, donde había sitios para sentarse y más espacio. Pero, como no era conocida en aquel lugar, no recibía invitaciones para bailar y empecé a preocuparme por ella.

Le pregunté al “espíritu libre”, que conoce a todo el mundo y baila en todas partes cómo podíamos ayudar a mi amiga a bailar. Dijo: Debería bajarse del escenario.  Parece demasiado lejana ahí arriba.  Las invitaciones no se dan mucho en los distintos niveles.  Podría sentarse en una mesa distinta en cada tanda, charlar con la gente. 

Ella me contó que  cuando empezó a ir a la milonga, hace algunos años, pasaron cinco meses para que la sacaran a bailar. Un día, un tipo le dijo: Te conozco. Pero no hemos bailado, ¿verdad? Pasaron dos meses y medio hasta que él la sacó a bailar. 

Ella puso en práctica un plan para lograr su objetivo de bailar: ser sociable. 

No es de extrañar que la gente nueva cuando está sola no encuentre en la milonga un refugio. Es mejor ir a la milonga con amigos y una vez ahí, conocer a la gente porque los bailes no siempre aparecen por sí solos.

Estoy muy agradecida a Juan Carlos por su ayuda con la traducción. Cualquier error restante es sólo mío.

Confidence

Pixabay

When women make it so clear that they want to dance with you, it can be very difficult to slide the eyes away, pretend you haven't seen them or do any of the face saving behaviours so common in the milonga. In these cases I even feel I need to give justifications, something almost unheard of in that setting. I know two women who signal their intent in such a way. It takes a particular confidence.

One of them gave me that look recently and at a short distance. I went up to her.

I can't, I said, apologetically, the music. And it was true.

Can't you just...wing it?

You know I can't. I have to know and love the music I dance.

I would guess men find it even harder to refuse women who invite that way.

*

Cuando las mujeres dejan tan claro que quieren bailar contigo, puede ser muy difícil apartar la mirada, fingir que no las has visto o hacer cualquiera de los comportamientos para guardar las apariencias que son tan habituales en la milonga. En estos casos incluso siento que tengo que dar justificaciones, algo que casi nunca ocurre en la milonga.  Conozco a dos mujeres que señalan su intención de ese modo. Hace falta una confianza especial.

Una de ellas me dirigió esa mirada hace poco y a corta distancia. Me acerqué a ella.

No puedo, le dije, disculpándome, la música. Y era cierto.

¿No puedes... improvisar?

Sabes que no puedo. Tengo que conocer y amar la música que bailo.

Supongo que a los hombres les resulta aún más difícil rechazar a las mujeres que invitan así.

Delight / Deleite

Ribes sanguineum

I love pink for its femininity. It is the colour of delight.  Pictured is flowering currant whose life in flower is early and short. It smells like Ribena. You can make a delicious syrup from it for pancakes or to drizzle on cakes.  You can make a "champagne". I made some around this time last year, so this is probably what mum's enjoying here:

 

There is something delightful about being invited to dance by look - first, the emotional risk both parties endure before the synthesis, the prize of one another.

Tirsesias lived first as a man, then as a woman, so was well placed to answer the question, put by Zeus and Hera whether sex was better as a man or as a woman. 

Dancing tango, I have been both inviter and invitee. I have even, often, been invited but then found he, or occasionally she expected me to lead them, something disconcerting.  So I think I can say it is more delightful to be chosen than to choose. The most feminising part of all this is not the dressing up, the behaviour to attract an invitation, it is the being chosen.  

Men do not miss out though, because women choose them by signalling their interest.

Added to that agreeable game is the subtlety and speed and ephemeralness of it all. Blink, turn your head, have a doubt, check your phone and you could miss it all.

If you are struggling to recall Tiresias's answer, there are many variations to the story, but in one of the classic versions he said "Of ten parts a man enjoys one only". For this, Zeus blinded him, but, perhaps regretting that impetuosity, also gave him the gift of seven lives and of prophecy.

*

Me encanta el rosa por su feminidad. Es el color del deleite.  En la foto hay un grosellero florido cuya vida en flor es temprana y corta. Huele a Ribena, una bebida de grosella negra aquí en el Reino Unido. Con esta flor se puede hacer un sabroso jarabe para tortitas o para rociar pasteles.  Puedes hacer un "champán". El año pasado por estas fechas preparé esta bebida, así que probablemente sea lo que mamá está disfrutando en la foto de arriba.

Hay algo delicioso en ser invitado a bailar por la mirada: primero, el riesgo emocional que ambas partes soportan antes de la síntesis, el premio del otro.

Tirsesias vivia primero como hombre y luego como mujer, por lo que podía responder a la pregunta de Zeus y Hera, de si el sexo era mejor como hombre o como mujer. 

Bailando tango, he sido tanto invitante como invitada. Incluso, a menudo, he sido invitada pero luego me he encontrado con que él, y ocasionalmente ella, esperaba que yo les llevo, algo desconcertante.  Así que creo que puedo decir que es más exquisito ser elegida que elegir. La parte más feminizante de todo esto no se trata de vestirse bien, tampoco es el comportamiento para atraer una invitación, es el hecho de ser elegida.  Los hombres no se lo pierden, porque las mujeres les eligen señalando su interés.

A este agradable juego se añade la sutileza, la rapidez y lo efímero de todo ello. Parpadea, gira la cabeza, ten una duda, consulta el teléfono y podrías perderlo todo.

Si te cuesta recordar la respuesta de Tiresias, hay muchas variantes de la historia, pero en una de las versiones clásicas dijo: "De diez partes, el hombre sólo disfruta de una". Por ello, Zeus le cegó, pero, quizá lamentando aquella impetuosidad, también le concedió el don de las siete vidas y de la profecía.

Giving space

melina1965

When a man wants to dance tango with a woman, inviting by look, maintaining distance, giving space, is one of the most delicate things he can do. It's curious that it is by giving space that the guy wins the embrace.

Some of us want to dance body and soul and that can’t be forced.  It is a gift the woman gives, of her trust, of herself.  The verb is entregar, in Spanish.  Only some women dance this way.  For a woman to accept the man, it's not enough that he dance well. This gift of the woman is won by respect from the man. That's why those who see this dance thus are careful with whom they dance. If he forces someone to dance by preying on their emotions during the invitation, he won’t have that trust, rather, something more akin to a trapped bird.

*

Cuando un hombre quiere bailar tango con una mujer, le invita con el cabeceo, manteniendo la distancia, dando espacio; es una de las cosas más delicadas que puede hacer. Es curioso que sea dando espacio la manera con que se gana el abrazo.

Algunos quieren bailar en cuerpo y alma y eso no se puede forzar. Para la mujer, es dar la confianza, entregarse, el don de uno mismo. Sólo algunas mujeres bailan así.  Para que una mujer acepte al hombre, no basta con que baile bien. Este don de la mujer se gana con el respeto del hombre. Por eso los que ven así ese baile tienen cuidado con quién bailan. Si obliga a alguien a bailar aprovechándose de sus emociones durante la invitación, no tendrá esa confianza, sino algo más parecido a un pájaro atrapado.

Refusing walk-ups

Refusal

This is my son, in a campsite near Oban many years ago.  Walking himself to the bathroom first thing in the morning was simply too much  so he simply lay down and refused.  Refusal is the topic of this post.

Some milongas have a culture where cabeceo (invitation to dance by look) is not common.  This could be because there was never an Argentinian culture or tradition there to start with, because there is poor lighting or poor lines of sight, the host is not in favour or because it is class-dominated. In class, choice of partner is often discouraged so walking up to people is tolerated or even the norm.  

But there are good reasons to refuse walk-ups

1) It goes against the evolved and accepted milonga behaviours and traditions which work well and for good reason.   In the wider context of the milonga therefore, it is, in essence bad manners. 

2) Individually too it is poor behaviour: the inviter to put the invitee under pressure.

3) There is a ripple effect:  some other guys will now see the woman who accepts walk-ups as prey.

4) The quality of dancing from walk-ups is invariably poor.  

Refuse walk-ups in this culture and you could have a very empty night.  Instead you will need to enjoy watching the floor, listening to the music, chatting and meeting people.  You may with good reason wonder if this is the sort of culture where you are likely to find good dancing.

That said, we have a great experienced dancer on our local scene. He said in his country walking up was the norm.  But he has adapted here and has always invited me by look.  

Who invites whom?

Negotiating an invitation can be like navigating a maze.  

The guy may signal the invitation but it’s the woman who goes out on a limb first.  She signals she is available for invitation. Scenario in e.g. a bar: woman checks out a guy, decides he's not bad.  He notices, smiles - the way forward is open.  Second scenario:  guy keeps ogling woman.  She thinks: “Creepy!” It’s the same in the milonga.  Many women prefer not to be cold-called for dance (even by look) by a guy they haven’t checked out first. If he invites her before she has seen him dance she takes the risk of turning down a good dancer or dancing with a bad one. He might be able to assuage that quandary by making her laugh.

*

Negociar una invitación puede ser como navegar por un laberinto.

El hombre puede hacer la señal de invitación, pero es la mujer que se arriesga primero. Señala que está disponible para la invitación. Escenario: un bar, por ejemplo: la mujer echa un vistazo a un hombre y decide que no está mal. Él se da cuenta, sonríe: indicios alentadores. Segundo escenario: el hombre sigue mirando fijamente a la mujer. Ella piensa: "¡Espeluznante!" En la milonga pasa lo mismo. Muchas mujeres prefieren que no las invite a bailar (ni siquiera con el cabeceo) un tipo al que no han visto ya. Si la invita antes de haberle visto bailar, corre el riesgo de rechazar a un buen bailarín o de bailar con uno malo. Él podría calmar ese dilema haciéndola reír.

"Choice"?

Sometimes a man may believe he is inviting a woman to dance by look, but he isn’t. He might walk right up to her with a quizzical expression or a visual invitation but too near. He might say nothing but hold out his hand. This isn’t an invitation, it’s an imposition, reason enough to look away, or studiously avoid him. If, cornered, she says ‘no thank-you’, she puts a clear end to it, but he has effectively forced her to engage directly when perhaps she would rather not have.

I have never seen a man who has cornered a woman and been told verbally, no thank you, still insist. Never. Because that would be harassment. It gives me pause to reflect that when I was cornered, just before a social dance and said no, for the umpteenth time, but the person still insisted, it caused so much harm. I have often wondered why the damage from that day has been so lasting.  I have thought about karma: the consequences of your intentions and your actions.  I did get angry because I was harassed, trapped, shocked, horrified.  But such insistence is not normal, would never be acceptable in the milonga, so the fallout is not so surprising. 

For some men, especially men from cultures with a stronger concept of machismo and male pride than here, and for me, as it happens, when inviting a woman to dance, a rejection once often means they will not invite her again. Maybe she didn’t want to dance right then, for any number of reasons, but if he forced her to commit to an acceptance or a refusal then that decision could be long-standing. The guy may justify it to himself: Oh well, at least I know now. But were the means to arrive at that knowledge justified?

Janis says men are walking up to invite more now, that the codes of the milongueros viejos are disappearing, but I suspect they will endure.

When imposition - a form of force - is involved, choice is absent.

*

A veces un hombre puede creer que está invitando a bailar a una mujer con el cabeceo, pero no es así. Puede que se acerque a ella con una expresión inquisitiva o una invitación visual, pero demasiado cerca. Puede que no diga nada, pero que le tienda la mano. Esto no es una invitación, es una imposición, razón suficiente para apartar la mirada o evitarlo. Si, acorralada, ella le dice verbalmente "no, gracias", pone fin a la situación, pero él la ha obligado a entablar una relación directa cuando quizá ella preferiría no hacerlo.

Nunca he visto a un hombre que haya acorralado a una mujer y se le haya dicho "No, gracias", verbalmente, seguir insistiendo. Jamás. Porque eso sería acoso y abuso. Me da que pensar que cuando me acorralaron, justo antes de un baile social y dije que no, por enésima vez, pero la persona siguió insistiendo, me causó tanto daño. A menudo me he preguntado por qué el daño de aquel día ha sido tan duradero.  He pensado en el karma: las consecuencias de tus intenciones y tus actos.  Me enfadé porque me sentí acosada, atrapada, conmocionada, horrorizada.  Pero tal insistencia no es normal, nunca sería aceptable en la milonga, así que el daño resultante no es tan sorprendente. 

Para algunos hombres, especialmente los de culturas con un concepto del machismo y el orgullo masculino más fuerte que aquí, y para mí, cuando se invita a una mujer a bailar, un rechazo una vez suele significar que nunca se la volverá a invitar. Puede que ella no quisiera bailar en ese momento, por muchas razones, pero si él la obligó a comprometerse a aceptar o rechazar, esa decisión podría ser duradera. El tipo podría justificárselo a sí mismo: Bueno, al menos ahora lo sé. Pero, ¿estaban justificados los medios para llegar a ese conocimiento?

Janis dice que ahora los hombres se acercan más a invitar, que los códigos de los milongueros viejos están desapareciendo, pero sospecho que perdurarán.

Cuando se trata de imposición, que es una forma de fuerza, la elección está ausente.

Becoming prey

Keith Williams

If you go to a milonga where you are not known and you accept walk-up dances it is likely those dances will not be enjoyable because insensitivity in invitation will often - but not always  - seep through into the dance.

There is also a knock-on effect - you advertise yourself as prey to all the local hunters.  If they have seen you accept one walk-up invitation the know you will probably accept another. 

Toast

Imagine, three women sitting near one another think a guy has invited them to dance by look.  They all signal acceptance, again by look.  The guy walks over to the one he did actually invite and none of the women get up until, as Janis put it "she can see the whites of his eyes" - essentially until he is right in front of the one he did actually invite. Oscar Casas describes this well.  Many women gain this knowledge only with experience or travel.  

I remember getting it wrong in my first year or so dancing tango, on one of my first trips away at an encuentro.  When I recounted my mortification to another woman, she smiled with long experience and gave me the memorable advice: "Never get up".

A woman who stands up early or  - heaven forfend - goes towards a man she thinks is inviting her, either advertises herself as a mugger or inexperienced or simply that she grew up in a tango culture where these things are not practised.  The latter two are no sin. But in Buenos Aires an Englishwoman who heard it there said that girl gets called "toast". She pops up too early!

"Graciousness"

You would think that looking down is enough to signal that you do not want to dance just then but sometimes the culture of a particular milonga is such that it can be thought by some acceptable or not uncommon to invite a woman by walking up. Sometimes poor seating without clear lines of sight, or poor lighting provoke the same.  

I was mortified recently.  Before the práctica I had arranged with an experienced dancer to help her practice "leading".  Between hosting, DJing, dancing with beginners and, if I'm lucky, a tanda or two with my favourite dancers I don't have a lot of time; besides, when I can dance is determined by the music appropriate to the different dancers.  So I found myself with a free moment and went up to her to see if she wanted to do her leading.  Despite our arrangement, she was clearly taken aback.  This isn't a mistake I will make again.

When (usually a guy) walks up, some think "presumably the woman will be gracious enough not to refuse".  Older people often tell you that was the English way, at say, dances in the 50s. But a man who has cornered a woman between obligation and embarrassment is hardly giving her a choice. He is presuming she wants to dance with him. In the worst cases she is manipulated into thinking she must want to dance with him because despite her instincts, she somehow does not refuse. Why doesn't she refuse? She doesn't want to appear impolite.  The guy bets on, capitalises on, takes advantages of exactly that.  That's manipulation.

Men sometimes graciously dance with women who mistakenly think they have been invited by look, when in fact the guy was inviting the woman in front of her. Usually, he will dance first with his intended partner and then with the woman who thought she was being invited. So why shouldn't women be similarly "gracious"? But that is like comparing apples with oranges. Besides, as a guy once put it to me, "most women are embraceable". The same is not necessarily true the other way around.

A clear "no-thank you"

No!

In the cafe:

A: He started to take liberties on the dance floor.  So I stopped the dance, made some verbal objection and stormed off the floor in the middle of the track, a la television tango.
Guys:  Really?  You minded?
A: !!  Of course I minded!
Guys [incredulous]:  We wouldn't mind at all if somebody did that to us.  We'd think it was our lucky day...


In the ladies:

A: He started to take liberties on the dance floor.  So I stopped the dance, made some verbal objection and stormed off the floor in the middle of the track.
B: Quite right! I'm so glad you did
A: Anyway, tell me about that other guy.
B: I looked at him and he saw me.  If he didn't want to dance he should have looked away, which is clear.
A: Right.
B: But the guy didn't do this.  He looked around and up and down.
A: Oh!
B: If you're going to say "I'm not going to invite you" by look you should at least be clear about it.
A: He was being clear!
B: I think it's helpful to be more direct.
A: So what did you do?
B: I just kept looking at him firmly and directly...
A: You didn't want to dance with him by now?
B: No, obviously, if he didn't want to dance with me.
A: To keep looking at him, that's mean!
B: No it's not.  I just wanted to see if he'd refuse properly.
A: [Laughing] Oh dear.  Perhaps he's just the shy type who knows what he does and doesn't want but has trouble saying no.  So what did happen?
B: Well, eventually he got up and moved away.
A: You don't say! Do you think he got the point about how to say "no thank you"?
B: I don't know.  Perhaps I'll find out next time!

Follow my lead!

When you follow from fear!

A:  "But why do you think you "go wrong" in dance and make mistakes?"

B:  "Well, I feel I don't do what they want.  And the men tell me.  They say I'm 'not following their lead'."

What kind of interpersonal relationship is that - when someone keeps telling you you are wrong?  What kind of relationship is it that as someone embraces someone else they criticise them?    This piece was drafted back in 2016.  The following year the #metoo movement took off with the Harvey Weinstein allegations.  Since then we are perhaps more alert to abusive relationships. 

People follow best through trust, not fear and the body is more truthful than the mind.  A female body does not want to embrace a male body that keeps telling it is wrong or is going wrong.  No"body" wants to embrace any"body" that keeps being told that.  Small wonder then when you see class dancers in an open or semi-open dance "hold" instead of an embrace.  Ironically, it was an experienced teacher who once told me you be able to tell which couple will dance well from the way they first embrace.    

If the "follower" is being lectured by the "leader" there will be no true embrace and the hold will be more like a vice in which he can do unpleasant things to her.  If we don't want to be tempted by biscuits that are bad for us we don't buy them in the shop.  If we don't want to be treated badly, why accept men who lecture in dance and push us around like shopping trolleys?

 "You are not following my lead" is a cruel and tragic commonplace akin to "You are not doing what you are told". This is about control more than dance.  If people tell acquaintances and strangers on the dance floor that they are "doing it wrong" one wonders what they say to their employees, children, partners.

The Empathy Gap

In an interview the British novelist Martin Amis referred to the writer WG Sebald saying that no serious person should think about anything but the Holocaust. He said it was supposed to be ironic but that at some level he meant it, as, said, Amis, do I. It was a relief to hear this because I had considered myself odd in thinking considerably about the Holocaust, after reading some of the works on that event. Christopher Burney's book, The Dungeon Democracy, is his account of life as a British officer in Buchenwald.  He often gives little moral quarter to the prisoners themselves.  A prison guard might appear reasonably benign compared to the dog-eat-dog life of most prisoners. His point was more that people end up in various stations in life but it is their character that counts. 

Excerpt: The Dungeon Democracy

 Burney's point towards the end, as I recall, remembering now many years back, was that most of us have a capacity for extraordinary evil and that we should build our education systems with that fact in mind so that nothing like the Holocaust happens again. Amis in another interview on the controversial idea that a writer should not write about the Holocaust also says that the justification for it is so that it never happens again.

It was when I read The Dungeon Democracy and Viktor Frankl I think last year that I suddenly understood why Christopher Burney had been so anxious to publish: he knew very well that the traits of all the people who propped up that regime existed in ordinary people - the desire to control, to persecute, to rule, to oppress, to exploit, to lie and cheat and deceive, to use people as means and all for power or status or money. I looked around [a milonga] and I saw those very traits in operation, thinly masked. I realised how, in certain conditions those traits could all thrive again. So it's not just a question of preventing those conditions in society because who can predict how they come about, the danger is as much or more in the human traits themselves. [Correspondence, 2016]

Once aware of these traits and what they can become the Holocaust and related iniquities of human behaviour are never, mentally, too far away. Perhaps that is what Amis and Sebald perhaps meant. that is also why two of my key preoccupations are death and freedom. Freedom is life: freedom from so that there is freedom to. The ultimate control, the ultimate restriction, the ultimate imposition is taking away someone's life, harming their body or their mind but taking away someone's freedom is a kind of living death. 

 We endure unreasonable impositions constantly: on our time, on our freedom, women even endure them on their person and too often we put up with it for the sake of norms, so called civilized behaviour whereas we should question far more - is this reasonable, is this useful, is this fair? Death and freedom, the two great preoccupations.

Amis talks about the incomprehensibility of the Holocaust. The thing to be very alert to is when we encounter the incomprehensibility of someone's behaviour because it is a warning you have to heed. I call it the empathy gap. It is when two people find themselves on either side of a psychological chasm. It happens when you simply cannot comprehend how someone could act in that way because you cannot conceive of doing something of that nature yourself. I can't imagine being a paramedic, but I admire paramedics, so there's no empathy gap there. But when I think of the Holocaust, or Argentina's Dirty War, or the Colombian "false positives", or the common and garden capitalist exploitation of people, of the planet for profit, there is an empathy gap there. It is when you fail to understand how people can act in despicably inhumane ways. The empathy gap can be over huge, world-shaking events or the dispiriting inhumanities practised by individuals on a daily basis.

I encountered it recently and for days afterwards could not acclimatise to the idea that someone could repeatedly refuse to leave someone alone, to the point of trapping them, deliberately cornering them, as they later said to the point of extreme physical and psychological distress.  Even one of the apologies said in chilling, controlling language, they were "not going to allow another miscommunication" - as if, after everything, there was still some future, as if it was all a misunderstanding.  I felt shocked, horrified, appalled.

That shock manifested physically and I am still trying to come to terms with it.  Despite excruciating muscular pain in my neck, left shoulder collarbone, chest and arm as far as the hand it did not even occur to me for over two weeks that exercise and stretching might bring relief.  It was as though the shock had caused some psychological and mental freeze that prevented me from thinking normally.  Today exercise brings relief but whatever it is that connects all those parts is still contracted and needs daily stretching.  

It took days to mentally adjust to the fact that for some people ignoring the wishes of others, trampling repeatedly over their simplest request - to be left alone - is a right. I should have realised. I have an online advert for multi-lingual conversation exchange which, when I am busy, will say in caps lock, that I am not looking for partners at present, yet I am still bombarded with requests.  This is startling in itself but you do not expect blatant, egotistical disregard from people you know and have helped.

The key thing I learned is to spot those traits early, distance yourself and if that doesn't work don't do nothing; take some other measure because you need a plan.  You have to somehow imagine yourself on the other side of the empathy gap, to anticipate what appears to you unthinkable within your own moral scope because without that anticipation you will have no plan to deal with what can arise.  The first problem of course is realising that you are that empathy gap, before it is too late.

Might

Junction beside a school, Perth 

There are many forms of force, control, imposition:  sexual, social, even conversational. 

Any doubt as to how prevalent people imposing their will on others is, can be dispelled by considering our streets. The Highway code changed on 29 January 2022. There is now a "hierarchy of road users". The idea is to make clearer, to lend more weight to the obvious idea that some people are more vulnerable than others and that we need to take care of them. Pedestrians are clearly more vulnerable than someone inside a ton of metal and among pedestrians, children, and anyone with physical limitations are the more vulnerable "road users". 

My street, on our town's ring road.  To the right, a park.

So far, so straightforward. Why is spelling this out in the Highway Code necessary? Because there are many who refuse to acknowledge it and are even angered by the concept of anything but cars on a road.

In the UK, road fatalities have been dropping for decades, currently under 2000 a year.  But 2000 is quite a lot.  

PeteEastern, Wikipedia

If we include those seriously injured, that number jumps to 27,500 (in 2021), according to data released by the Department for Transport. Some 5,400 of those killed or seriously injured (KSIs) were pedestrians, and more than 4,400 cyclists. (Citymonitor) That's 35%.

Tolerable? If the military were suffering that annually, would we tolerate it?  What are the military's casualty figures, out of interest? In 2022, 67 soldiers died. 

 

The Highway Code now says “At a junction you should give way to pedestrians crossing or waiting to cross a road into which or from which you are turning.” Previously, drivers were only supposed to give way when a pedestrian had started to cross a road. It's a gesture, but even in 2023 in the UK, in my town certainly, drivers take precedence all the time, as a rule in fact, even when children are trying to cross the road.

I took the headline picture of this piece while campaigning during 2021 to try to get this junction near my boys' school improved for kids walking to school. For ten minutes at the beginning and end of every day about 100 pupils and between 50 and 60 vehicles battle it out on this junction, with between a fifth and a quarter of of vehicles failing to give way even when there are large groups trying to cross.  The children on the road had been in the middle of crossing but were forced back by the van, which took priority. The black car also failed to give way even though there are ten children waiting to cross and two still on the road. I cannot emphasise how common this is.  Besides being dangerous and selfish towards vulnerable people who also don't pollute our shared air, it teaches our children to perpetuate this behaviour.

I saw countless cars going round this roundabout the wrong way or cutting the corner.  I saw another van go round the roundabout the wrong way and drive straight at a group of kids like the one above.  I saw my own son nearly end up on the bonnet of a car that drove straight at him and his friends. They all froze, believing they were going to be hit. I had picked this spot on his nearly two mile journey because he himself had said it was the most dangerous point. 

Even buses don't always give way. These kids were already on the road when the bus took priority - because it can.

Unfortunately, despite having a campaign group, despite recording statistics of pedestrians and traffic in detail over time, despite photo and video evidence of many near misses, despite engaging road safety organisations, despite someone from the council coming out to assess the junction and despite agreement that it was not ideal, nothing has been done about this junction.

Strangely, on zebra crossings a driver is still not obliged to give way to someone waiting to cross (though many do), only when someone has started to cross. I was already in the middle of this zebra crossing with my dog last week when a woman driver approaching exactly like this black car, clearly saw me and simply chose not stop. I am well aware of the behaviour of a minority of drivers on this crossing and took preventative action. I know a pedestrian however who has been maimed for life from coming off worst, as all pedestrians do, when she was hit by a vehicle.

The kind of motorist behaviour exhibited on the crossing or at that school junction is a black distillation of arrogance and egocentricity but it is as common as blinking. It is when it becomes automatic that it is most iniquitous.  While some road users will, when not curbed, give free reign to their baser instincts, having zero regard for vulnerable road users is not something hardwired in humans - it is spread through cultural tolerance. 

Spain is an example of a car-loving culture which nevertheless uses zebra crossings to a far greater extent than the UK and which respects pedestrians, to the point where I would rather my kids cross roads in Spain, than the UK:

In the Netherlands, of course, respect for all kinds of road users is so normal it is built into their infrastructure:

Road use is just an analogy for  something that happens in many contexts:  the imposition of will on someone else, especially someone more vulnerable. I suppose the first step is being aware of those behaviours, in others as well as in ourselves, the second is doing something about it. There are few better and quieter catalysts for change than good models: seeing someone else behaving in an admirable way, or seeing respect for such behaviour in someone we ourselves respect.

This blog is about lessons I have learnt about life through the lens of the milonga, or sometimes the other way around. At a certain point, one sees each as reflections of the other. Apart from a good physical environment for dancing, is there anything more essential to good dancing than awareness of, care of our partner and of the other dancers in the ronda?  Awareness of the music, too.  Awareness is a term that is often interchangeable with listening, in its broadest sense.  An article in Psychology Today suggests that coffee is not the hardest thing to give up.

Conversation

Some new guys seemed to have had tough experiences in dance class. They can have an air as though they think they’ve failed something. The obvious thing is to be gentle. One of them later joked about how I'd cracked the whip regarding his manhandling of me, so I guess there's gentle and there's protecting yourself. 

We walk to the music, sometimes I guide them, or vice versa, depending on the personality they arrive with and whether that changes.  They get that the dance comes from the music, that it has pauses and that walking with the music and the partner in the ronda is more than enough. When they lead their partners that can be stressful for them when they don’t know the music and when they haven’t had much time in the dance, in milongas and prácticas.

One guy had a partner who said she thought she anticipated. The other guy had tension that was transferring to me and I felt too controlled.  This is far from uncommon. In both cases I wanted to show that women have a voice and that that is when it is fun. If we are walking and tension in a guy's hand or arm is transferring to me, I can move my arm gently to remind him but sometimes it's better to just do something else

In turn, with each guy and in the woman's role I took a step in a direction other than what he had intended, just played around. Separately, they were both foxed, looked, questioningly. Well, what are your options? And from there emerged, so easily, so naturally, those tango moves that my son had discovered in play - ochos, giros and the ones I never like to do when guys haul them out of their tango toolbox: barridas and mordidas. They surprised us both and it was fun.

For that kind of game you need a playful spirit, which most adults have lost and no sense of inhibition, which again, most adults have lost. You need that challenging edge. You probably need a profound intimacy, trust and physical closeness with the dance partner. And for that kind of joint exploration you both need, at the same time, creativity, curiosity, and a sense of adventure. (from: "Play")

But I have found, much sooner than I expected, you don’t need all those criteria for those moves to emerge by themselves. You need interplay, you need an element of challenge, or at least of voice in the woman’s role.  

Walking to the music and pausing, learning what you can do when there isn’t much space, looking after the partner are all necessary, but the fun is where there is mutuality, exploration, conversation. It isn't actually about the moves.  They are almost a by-product - what can happen when you do this other stuff. 

Bandolera / Ojos negros

Wikimedia

The lovely song, Ojos Negros, famously interpreted by Francisco Canaro's tango orchestra (1935) with the singer Roberto Maida has a long history - there is an article about this by Dmitry Pruss.

Many numbers we think of as "tango" or "milonga" have lives outside our world.  The Puerto Rican pianist Noro Morales also covered Dark Eyes in an interesting mambo version (1964) as well as Niebla del Riachuelo (1960).  What we think of Canaro's Milonga Sentimental was covered by the salsa orchestra El Gran Combo de Puerto Rico, in 1982.  Recently I heard Las Cuarenta - the best danceable tango versions are by Canaro/Maida (1941) and Lomuto / Omar (1937) - in a bolero version by Rolando Laserie.  I particularly like Lucio Demare's 1968 piano versions of many famous tangos.  They have a retrospective air which never falls into sentimentality.

During that difficult time I was listening to a lot of salsa. Bandolera, by Héctor Lavoe contains a long section of improvisation in which Ojos Negros, is referenced musically (5.27).  I asked Camilo if he could identify any other pieces in that improvisation.  He heard Historia de un amor (4.09) and Obsesión (5.16).  I would be interested if anyone can identify anything else.

The two he mentioned are apparently both boleros, love songs, which is interesting in the context of Bandolera, a song whose lyrics are in part, shockingly, about a man hitting a woman:

Pau, pau, pau
Te voy a dar
Te voy a dar una pela
[...]
Pau, pau, pau
Te vuelvo a dar
Te voy a dar pa' que aprendas
[...]
Te voy a pegar, te voy a pegar, te voy a pegar, te voy a pegar, te voy a pegar

Some of the salsa lyrics I heard at that time were apt to the situation I was trapped in:

Y por los celos, los celos, los celos
A mí el corazón me arde, me arde
Y por los celos, los celos, los celos
A mí el corazón me arde, me arde

(Gitana, Willie Colon)

There was a lie, and attempts to manipulate situations with people I dance with.

Quien dice una mentira dice dos
Y dice cien, se inventa mil
Dice un millón
El ser que ya nació para engañar
Te engaña a ti, me engaña a mí
Me engaña a mí

(Bandolera, Héctor Lavoe)

Because of these interventions, I was losing those dance partners.  I dance with new people who come to the práctica and introduce them to others, that they may discover the dance and there is pleasure in that, but people dance tango many ways and there are few enough who dance for and with the kind of musicality and connection that I enjoy.  These I value. 

So I drew a line.

(Me liberé, El Gran Combo de Puerto Rico)

Blocking communication channels was easy, and so, I thought, effective. I had seen enough and had caught the scent of danger, even if I didn’t yet know the gravity of it.

Aléjate bandolera
Aléjate bandolera
Aléjate bandolera

(Bandolera)


It was sad…

Cuando en el alma se siente un dolor
Por la traición que te brinde un amigo /
En ese momento piensa que todo es posible

(Indestructible, Ray Barretto)

…but it was also scary.

I was contorting my life to avoid harassment. I cancelled my first práctica and an invitation to a party. They said they weren't going, so I could go, tranquilamante. But my trust was shot, I didn't and I cancelled the second práctica. Then I understood they were quitting tango. I felt huge relief, published the next práctica and thought I was free.

Me liberé, me liberé
Gracias a Dios, me liberé
Me liberé, me liberé
Gracias al cielo, me liberé
Me liberé de mujeres perversas que quieren hacer mi vida de cuadritos
Me liberé de chicas sin escrúpulos,

(Me liberé, El Gran Combo de Puerto Rico)

I was wrong.  A month on, while much improved, the physical effects of that day of imposition, control and entrapment are still with me. The weeks leading up to that day are associated now with these salsa numbers and, by association, Ojos negros, particularly the chilling line, "ojos negros, que dominan".  With luck, one day some great dance will replace them.