Mono v inter

One of the legacies of the patriarchy is that the guy still speaks more: in life, in business, in politics, in committees, in dance. They impose, everywhere. We even talk about an imposing guy as though that is admirable, virile. Men often speak to other men, ignoring women. I would hazard a guess that 100% of women in western societies have been patronised and talked down to by a guy because they are a woman, probably many times.

We see it too in those vexed English terms in dance: leader and follower. The idea is that this is supposed to be more inclusive, because women can now “lead”. But the fact is, men still mostly lead, so it just entrenches the idea that the person who makes most of the decisions, who decides the direction, initiates, who does most of the “talking”, is the guy, the “leader”, the boss.

Nearly all women in the “leading” role do “lead”. They are rough and forceful, especially when they have been to class and impose their moves on you. Tragically, this is true even of women who are lovely to dance with in the traditional woman’s role.

Sometimes some people engage in monologues because they think a societal norm, like “leading” in dance, endorses it. Some on the autistic spectrum, aware their personality does not conform with societal norms, sometimes confess, with a heart-breaking embarrassment, that they know they are talking too much. People can do it when they angry or hurt. Egotists and narcissists do it. They are easily identified because they also show next to no interest in their so-called interlocutor, ask no questions unless they pertain to their own interests.

How many of us have sat silently stuck in interminable “conversations” saying next to nothing because that’s how the other person likes it, has patently loved it when you bite your tongue. If you are trapped, setting a timer to see for how long the other speaks is a distracting game, distances yourself from the situation and at least allows you some autonomy in what can be an abusive situation. That’s when you decide never again or start that painful negotiation with yourself about trade-offs. On such days, I have seen my Fitbit stress management levels drop by a whole 10 points. Voiceless, you may not be doing much, but it clearly has a psychological and consequent physiological effect.

Do guys do this do to other guys? I think they see women differently and know we are more likely to tolerate it. They know the more fragile among us may even think the problem must be us.

What is a great conversationalist? Someone who asks questions and not just questions to which they know the answers, because that is just another form of talking down to you. They are genuinely interested in the other. Great conversationalists answer questions, and not at too much length. Most of all, they make space for the other person. When there is space, there is room for interplay. That is when fun and interesting things happen between people: Interesting:  inter "between" + esse "to be".