"Never get up!"

I once stood up in response to what I thought was an invitation from a guy I have danced with before and who I know to be a master of the long-distance cabeceo. Whether he noticed or not I'm not sure, but, saving my dignity he walked straight past to his chosen partner. Assuming it was deliberate it was a well-managed act of face-saving, allowing me to go on to refresh my drink.

Dancing outside Scotland I would be so unsure whether the guy was asking me I would check, look around to see who else he meant, check back, look around again, and triple check he meant me. I would do this so often that the experienced men who stuck around long enough for me to gain confidence would be openly laughing by the end of this charade. The advantage for me was their experience and their desire to dance, demonstrated by their patience. The disadvantage is that it’s an inefficient and unpolished way of doing things and you can lose half a track in the time it takes. And there is no point doing the hand to the breast, “Me?” signal if the other women on either side of you are responding to the same man in the same way.

At the same event, I accepted a dance, did the triple-check and then when he was a mere couple of metres away, with eyes still on my partner, got up because he was on the other side of the gangway to the floor with a river of people flowing between us. It would have been difficult for him to get through to me so I thought to meet him in the gangway. He saw me and made his way to the floor, expecting me to be right behind him. People got between us. On the floor, he turned around expecting to find me there, only to have a well-known woman put herself into his arms, though not before she slid a sidelong look at me under her raised left arm. Mugged! He looked at me with “What just happened?!” on his face but accepted her. It was an awkward situation and he danced the next tanda with me.

I recounted this incident to a lovely women at this event, confessing my mortification and she very practically said “Never get up”. I thought after this trial by fire, unambiguous advice and good sense, that I had unequivocally learnt this rule. I was completely wrong.

I found that as the guy, inviting, I was not quick enough acting upon an acceptance to collect a girl from her seat. Her friend stood up and lacking experience I clumsily explained that I had meant her friend, thinking after my own experience as the muggee I must surely be doing the right and honest thing. I then failed to catch the presumably mortified friend’s eye for the rest of the afternoon and there followed complicated intercession through mutual friends to smooth things out later. 

You’d think I’d’ve learnt. I then got up twice more after apparently unambiguous invitation from the guy by cabeceo was not followed by collection. The first time because the dancer was experienced yet did not collect me and my desire to dance with him outweighed my judgment. I wondered, unconvincingly, if perhaps they didn’t collect in his country. Luckily it passed without mishap so now I call it a calculated risk. The second time was with a dancer I knew to have less experience and who seemed unfamiliar with the principle of collection. I ought to have stayed where I was until he figured it out but I walked towards the guy only to encounter an experienced man who was approaching to collect me, thinking I had accepted him. Again, I had to clumsily explain the situation.

Knowing that I’d finally learnt these many lessons I recently nodded a hello to a friend from our seats on opposite sides of the room. Later, we agreed to dance, still from our own seats. He came over, I stayed where I was. He reached my seat. I stood up. “Oh no”, he said, grinning, “I was only coming over for a chat!” and took me to dance.

The conclusion of these stories is that there are endless ways to come a cropper! Cabeceo works fine, but it works as part of a system, and part of the way that system works is “Never get up!” and “Collect the woman, quickly, directly and unambiguously from her chair making sure you look at no one else as you do”! It’s civilized and it works. Being collected from your seat is also a lovely way to start the dance. Ideally you’ll be escorted back there afterwards.

Artwork by Fottantuno: http://fottantuno.deviantart.com/ with thanks for permission to reuse.