A beginner again.

I danced my first ever quickstep with an elderly man at an "old time" tea dance recently. The hold wasn’t the ballroom hold, as you see it taught and danced today, with the held back head, and the upper bodies away from one another. It was more or less the same hold as in tango dancing. If you’ve ever watched any films from the 30s you’ll notice during clips of social dancing that, again, it’s pretty much the same embrace as when we dance tango.

Everyone was very friendly, but I was a bit nervous just because everything was new. I wasn't following the man very well. "Just listen to the music." he said. "There, now, see, you've got it." It was such a simple thing to say.

I asked another man, “How did you learn these dances?” I’d say he was in his sixties or seventies.

- We were late learners. At 37, we started. 

- And how did you learn? 

- We went to dances. People there split us up, we danced with them. Now though, in the last few years, dance schools have started up and people are being taught the modern dances. It’s all different now. 

- What are the dances at this tea dance? Some of them are Scottish, aren’t they? 

-Country dances. And some modern - the quickstep, the foxtrot, the square tango. 

I went to another old time dance about three years ago, with a friend, where there was a similar mix of country and "modern" dances, and do you know, that's exactly what happened. We were welcomed, other dancers there split us up, and we learned from these people who could already dance. And then we tried it together. 

In How to please a woman, Tango Therapist asked me to tell him what men want! But in the same spirit that "these comments are best made by a..." guy, I hope more guys will tell. Still, it forced me to reflect on what guys have told me.

Adornments come high on the list of dislikes of a lot of guys. I hear that from them often; it even features in TT's comments this week. I don’t know if that’s embellishments per se or because they’re poorly executed, but I suspect it’s the former. Most guy friends understand when new dancers move about a lot on their own - it just means they’re new. They say they have less tolerance for more experienced dancers who do their own thing, who aren't "with" them. 

I know some guys don't like to hear the woman deliberately "speaking" in her dance. I don't mean in embellishments. These guys like women to do as they're told. Others love it. Some guys like women to dance the music, but others think that's their responsibility.

I think most guys like women on their own axis, they appreciate good balance, and they like the embrace not to collapse. 

These things are important but, strangely, I realised these are not at all the things I look for when I dance as the guy. The number one thing I look for is a woman who wants to dance with me! Everything after that is a bonus. I look for women I think are friendly, kind, understanding, not patronising - the ego, dancing as the guy is a thing too easily bruised! I think I tend to ask "quiet" dancers but I love to see happy dancers. Once on the floor, it’s great if the woman is relaxed. I consider myself very lucky if the woman will dance close, is still, present, if we listen together, move together.

I swapped roles with a guy recently. He said, "the thing about dancing as the girl is that all that pressure you have as the guy about whether you're giving her a good time just disappears". So the best thing I think for a lot of guys, and certainly for this girl who sometimes dances as the guy, is to be able to make the woman happy. That happened for me recently and it was a joy and a revelation. It's elusive though - concentrate on that, and it won't happen. I think you have to do something else.