Catharsis

A guy came to sit on a chair to my left. Like me he was visiting for a few days from I think Wroclaw. While we watched he cracked jokes. I had been feeling the strain the last couple of days, his humour was cathartic and I was grateful for the easy banter.  

He had seen my friend was new in the milongas.  In a stage whisper he said Ask your friend to ask that girl to dance with me. He indicated the girl to the right of my friend.  He leaned across me - Ask her for me he hissed again. I knew my friend was safe but looked at the visitor askance at this attempt to play a newbie joke and we all laughed.  He didn’t get the dance he was hoping for. You dance with me again! he said. 

No! I said in mock outrage. Besides, I will dance the rest of the tanda with my friend in a moment. 

Ah, he said feigning injury. What do you call it when a girl says you know, no, to a man? I gave him a “Don’t come that” look and was annoyed to feel my heartstrings tugged even though I knew he had contrived the situation and just for fun.  But I could not bring myself to tell him the word I was sure he knew.

I wouldn’t be a second choice anyway, I said, avoiding it.

Third, actually, he said evenly in his apparently artless English that I knew to be anything but without guile, yet the very brazenness was part of a game. I looked at him, predictably speechless at the affront yet knowing it was in jest.  He looked.  The tension sung in the air a moment then we broke down into laughter that continued quite a while. 

Eventually, he said: You will change, you will come back and dance with me.

Really? 

Ah yes, he said.  Women always do. I gave him another look between scepticism and pretence at being impressed.  At least, my last resort, I can tell myself this he said and again we laughed. 

I met a local girl in the Ladies. We both wore pink dresses.  She had long blonde hair that reminded me of another woman from Stuttgart with whom I had danced at the 2015 Edinburgh International Tango Festival, though that women had been as tall as me.  I had seen her in the regular milonga that week and though she had looked I had not been brave enough to invite her. At the festival she was sitting at the end of a row with no chairs at right angles and no bar or obvious place from which to invite anyone sitting there.  Because of the seating that year in the South side venue she was in a very difficult position for invitation. She did not appear to have danced much yet I knew she could dance. I wished now I had invited her in the milonga instead. The only way to invite was to prowl round and loiter by the entrance. I hated the idea that I would try to invite, she might refuse and in that exposed position I would suffer.  This was before I for the most part stopped moving from my seat to invite women because I feel that indiscretion too much.  I persuaded a guy friend to come and pretend to chat to me by the entrance and to tell me if she was looking.  Do guys do this?  Do guys suffer such anxiety for us? I wondered thinking the situation absurd but finding no other way.  She did look, we danced and she was a dream to dance with.  I have been wanting to dance with you she said to my relief.  I looked for her when I travelled but did not see her.

The girl with similarly long blonde hair wore a dress that was very pretty and I said so.  She returned the compliment.  She wore specs.  Later I saw her dancing and thought her beautiful, happy, slim and a good dancer. Later still, shortly before I left we fell into chat. She said she had been at Tango Loft on Friday then to a milonga in Darmstadt on the Saturday which she said was lovely. It turned out to be Sascha Weinberger’s milonga  though he was away that weekend. I have wanted to hear Sascha DJ for a long time along with other German DJs Thorsten Zoerner of the Dusseldorf TangoAtelier  and Christian Walker of Freiburg (does anyone know if he has a regular DJ slot?). Her weekend - Friday at Tango Loft, Saturday in Darmstadt, Sunday at El Amateur seemed like a good idea. Before I left she embraced me.  Because I had liked her straightaway I was only half-surprised at her warmth and openness.  I felt happy too.  With the relaxed chat that evening I started to feel myself again in the milongas and for the first time that weekend.  I was sorry it was just before leaving.