Lovely manners

It strikes me now, the good taste, the manners in the traditional, central milongas in Buenos Aires were generally much better than they are here. There was a kind of natural courtesy and respect that I think is aligned with the warmth of the people. I don’t mean the men - the behaviour of some of the men (and perhaps some of the women) can be something else. I mean some of the men can try it on in ways I have never seen in Europe. And some of the men can be harsh and very proud. And I know there are many problems in Buenos Aires, not least I sensed a deep lack of trust between people in society. But as a social group of men and women I liked the behaviour in the milongas.  

I mean this: People do not talk when you are trying to arrange a dance, fewer guys walk up to ask for dances directly and if they are local I think they are thought of not as unaware of how things are done, but as sharks, preying on women who will tolerate that behaviour. Sometimes I have heard tourists report the excuse "The men tell us they do it because we don't understand cabeceo/mirada " but I think that a ruse. All the tourist women I saw were perfectly au fait with how things are done. After ten minutes in one of those milongas, how could you be otherwise? And most men know it.

They are polite in other ways too. People do not block your view during the cortina, they don't bunch together in corners to invite. Some of the women may be heavily made up and dress in ways that apparently attract men that we might not in Europe, or not as we age, but I cannot for a moment imagine women prostituting themselves on a stage to get dances the way I have seen women of the same age do at the multi-day events in Eton, or - admittedly younger - at Corrientes in London. Also, people don't take your seat.

I know the traditions, the structure of the milonga, how the seating is arranged and how you are given a seat to keep all help with these things. But why don't we do things this way?

I know many of us would like it. I know from the numbers who keep going back to Buenos Aires, from those I hear in internet forums who in fact like to get and keep their seat, who want a table for their drinks, who object when people block their view in the cortina. I know things are moving that way. I see it when I see good dancers attending milongas that are well-set up, with music and sound that is better than average. I know it is just a question of time. I know we are trying when organisers publish rules to make people behave in ways they think are more like Buenos Aires milongas. But rules are not the way. There are for example no "lanes" in Buenos Aires, there is just a ronda, moving like river.

It is the social habit that make the Buenos Aires milongas formal yet relaxed, structured, yet warm.