Non-dancers

A: ...It is difficult and dangerous to generalise.

B: Indeed. These things can just be labels stuck on doors.

A: I think it’s a general issue we have, lacking nuance, using lazy binary (or ternary or...) terminology for something that is nuanced, dynamic. This applies to relationships, and politics ('Leave', 'Remain', blah blah)

B: It's what humans are - nuanced I mean - but I feel we live in a world where that's in short supply. In a way it's good because it means it's rare, which ought to mean it should become more valued.

A: It should be valued more, but only by a few who realise we are nuanced, our systems and conventions do not identify them, politics (in the UK) is becoming super binary as is the media (the two are highly correlated). And there are no alternative systems to compensate...

Sorry, it’s one of my pet peeves, how bloody black and white everything is these days and so few people slow down to think about what we are doing, where are we heading...

B: I couldn't agree more. Almost by definition nuance sits outside of systems. Except perhaps nature where we find that when a delicate, complex eco-system is disturbed even in an apparently small way, the effects can be devastating.

Where do you find nuance? In good books, films, art - things that interpret or inform meaningful human experience. And it's in meaningful human relationships. I think nuance is correlated with meaning and understanding. It's sensitive and easily crushed. The things that are popular in the world are the crushing things: politics and the media, agreed, but also systems like education, healthcare systems, business, money, status, power, control, advertising (which includes all social media), conventions...

I think as long as you enjoy the low-hanging fruit of an unreflective life, nuance doesn't matter to a lot of people but I think the people who miss it feel it badly. If you need that it can be hard to fit into modern life.

A:  Dancing the Argentine tango must be exhilarating?

B: Yeah, dancing tango, if you find the right people, can be a marvellous antidote. It's all about that really - a real and nuanced connection with another person and all while moving to this amazing music. 

A: I need to get out more and talk with adults about things other than work.

Shame I don’t dance ;-)

B: :) Well, let me know how many you come across that're into nuance and shade :)

"Shame i don't dance". 

Yet... :)

A: I really don’t dance... but I like to watch

B: Tango's no panacea, sensual drug that it is. Most people don't dance that way. And when you find someone who does, more than likely you've found them somewhere halfway across Europe after several fruitless trips. They're never round the corner. When you find someone you dance well with, it's indescribably wonderful for the 12 minutes you spend with them and that might be it. It will be the highlight of the trip but ultimately, where does that leave you?

And, inevitably it has politics too, between groups and individuals. A lot of communication in the milongas is nonverbal, including the invitation to dance so when you mix that with the fact that everyone is watching and pride and machismo you can imagine how many misunderstandings that leads to...

A: I will certainly give the tango a wide berth :-)

I guess the high you get from the dance, the connection, you want more of it?

B: It can be addictive, especially at the start. It's a good thing to do if you travel solo, it's also sociable, international, because there's less talking the nuance factor is high, as is the intensity of the feeling. And then, of course, you're free at the end of it. It's quite a primal feeling and it's all legal.

A: You are selling it... if only my coordination skills were up for it.

B: One of my favourite dancers is a guy, thorny, like me, in character, smaller than me, older than me, bald I think, by no means slim; we dance in an open hold, whereas I always ordinarily dance in the embrace, but I love dancing with him. He is just so fun.

That's one of the things I love about the milonga. You see people of all types, all ages, all forms and they all find someone to match with. People are reminded they are embraceable. And when two people dance and something unexpected happens they are so anxious to say, "Sorry, my mistake" and the other person will say - "What mistake?" People are good to one another. I think dancing tango brings out the best in people. There are some awful characters but I never come close to them so I kind of forget they exist.

A: Sounds idyllic. Like great sex without any of the mess or complications

B: Yeah. Exactly. One of the loveliest moment I had in the milonga was in Rotterdam, dancing out of doors next to the river on the deck of a hotel. The sky was huge, the day was sunny with the Erasmus Bridge as a dramatic architectural backdrop. I was enjoying dancing with a woman who did surprising, sensual things. As sometimes happens, either I accidentally bumped into another couple or they bumped into me. I automatically raised a hand in that general direction, in apology, which is just what one does regardless really of whether it's your fault or not. Somebody that I couldn't see, either because my partner was in front of me or because it happened to the side of me I don't remember, somebody I couldn't see on the dance floor took my hand and stroked it meaning: don't worry it's fine. It was the loveliest moment.

A: Blissful. Those moments are rare, if we ever experience them

B: Thinking about it, I have had a lot of amazing moments in dance. You should try it. I never danced til I was nearly 40. I mean absolutely never.

A: I have terrible coordination, no sense of rhythm

B: That's what I thought 'til I tried it. You get that intimacy with lots of different people - legitimately, safely, in public even, yet with strangers. And as you said no mess, no complications and you can still come back for more if you like.

A: It does sound nice, the sense of community... and I would love to watch, 

B: Watching is the main thing anyway. You can learn an awful lot from sitting, listening, watching, chatting.

A: It’s the kind of thing I would love, if it didn’t involve dancing

B: I don't really think of it as dancing. Argentine tango is an improvised, walking dance after all, despite what's shown on the TV.  Ballroom tango is a completely different dance.  But Argentine tango is a way of connecting with people. A kind of deep, fast way. I met this guy once who had a poly girlfriend who used sex as a way of getting to know people. I wouldn't say I used tango that way but sometimes I wonder if that is why I dance. I mean you have a very good idea about what someone is like, as a person, when you dance with them.

A: It’s all about intimacy... sex or tango or kissing, we crave it. We crave it, when it’s missing in our lives

B: You have a facility to put into words things that I could not bring myself to say. It's a kind of courage. But I think there are lots of people who do have it and still want...more!

It has been said, famously, that dancing tango is about what happens in the pauses when you are not moving. Some of my best moments have been then - in the embrace, but not moving, at least not visibly moving.

A: I can see the attraction, to the tango

B: You get to have the intimacy with lots of different people - legally, safely, in public even, yet with strangers. And as you said no mess, no complications 

A: You make it sound perfect...

Except for the dancing.