How do you learn to dance tango?

I thought I should have a shot at answering Anonymous's question: "how one starts to learn tango?" 

Whenever something like this comes up, one ought to state one's angle. I did this with music, years ago.  My only reference point is traditional Argentine tango dance, in the (close) embrace. I don't dance much in an open hold. I don't have much to do with the version of Argentine tango which developed for performance. That is so different from the traditional tango dance that it really ought to have a different name, to avoid confusion. It is a style more in the open hold, has bigger more flamboyant steps and can seem to be as much or more about how it looks to spectators than how it feels to the partner. Younger people tend to dance it more than older people. They dance tango dance style movements often to non-tango (music) and yet call it dancing tango; they dance also to modern tango or electro tango. That said, many young people also prefer more traditional dancing in the embrace to traditional music.  It is a question of choice and preference, which is fine but many traditional dancers find the mix of the two styles in a milonga, very disruptive.

I avoid the terms 'leader' and 'follower' because I think it distorts what the dance is, which is not  about leading and following but about a simultaneous impulse to dance together.  So I usually say 'man' (or 'guide') and 'woman' because those are the traditional roles and I dance a traditional dance; but I think anyone can dance either role and, moreover, should be able to be in environments where they feel free to do so.  This is, shamefully, still not always the case in Europe or Argentina today.

With the provisos out of the way, there are two ways to look at the question.

One is from the perspective of an experienced dancer helping a beginner to learn. You would think they already know these things but I have seen many experienced, even good dancers, lecturing beginners, which automatically flags a warning and raises the question: "How good?". Even the better dancers who lecture beginners are likely to be controlling types. Control is always at some level, connected to worry and thought and fear. One can't learn much about dance from controllers because once worry creeps in it inhibits dance.

There was a whole piece on it recently, but it bears repeating: don't expect good results by just dancing with people who persist with classes. I have made this mistake scores of times, for years. I still do it, because hope can have a habit of trumping experience. But it is virtually always, ultimately disappointing and a huge waste of time, especially if you thought the new dancer originally had promise - and many do.  With so much experience and conscious knowledge that you cannot save people who are committed to classes, how can this hope possibly get a hold?  It happens because you see someone new, you dance with them for pleasure but somewhere I suppose there is the hope that the enjoyment of social dancing will win them, like a siren song, back to the milonga which should be relaxing and where there is freedom and choice. But they are usually so bent on the idea of working at dance that they separate things thus: 

Learning = class

Milonga = pleasure

In fact 'HB' made a comment similar to this very recently back on Choice.   Many people have accepted, even seem to have fed and watered the noxious weed of an idea that learning is about hard work and focused dedication, that it doesn't happen without teaching and if it has anything to do with enjoyment it is only through the camaraderie of class and the sense of achievement of a pat-on-the-head from doing something as instructed.  This, despite the widely acknowledged view that children learn best through play.   At the moment this view tends to be confined to young children, but I believe that all children, in fact everyone, learns the important things better with fun, enjoyment, pleasure, when they are relaxed, interested, focused and absorbed.  Why on earth wouldn't they? It seems to me this is the richest soil for growth and development rather than the barren soil of boredom, stress, awkwardness and a mechanistic approach to learning from which the 'flow' of natural growth is absent.

But teachers and their long term students drum into class-goers that milongas are the wrong place to learn, even that it is a terrible faux pas to learn in the milonga.  They don't want to lose students to the milonga but the new person takes their statements almost unreflectingly, as a fait accompli.  True, it is not done to teach in a milonga but that is because it disturbs other people, there to dance socially.  That doesn't mean there isn't much to learn.  In a way, the idea of the milonga as a propitious environment for learning is a silent victim of its own success - few realise how much there is to learn there - just by being in the real conditions of the social dance and by dancing with more experienced people. The deafening din and clamour that goes in class and the strident voice of the teacher tells their conscious mind that all the supposed learning they are doing is a result of their "hard work in class". What they are actually doing is working hard at crippling their natural movements and sensibilities. This idea that you can learn, relaxed and happy in the milongas, through a process of unconscious absorption doesn't get a look in; never mind that implicit learning has been a recognised concept and the subject of psychological research for decades.  

An experienced dancer who doesn't lecture new people but just dances with them is doing everything that can be done to help them. What does such a creature look like?:

• Lets the beginner do the talking, ask the questions. 
• Doesn't talk at them but dances with them
• Doesn't try and make girls do stuff too early, or ever for that matter.  There is no forcing or shoving partners in dancing tango.
• 'Follows' the partner - not in the 'follower' role but in the sense of going where the partner decides they want to go if such is the case.  It is a way of adjusting to the partner.  Note:  controllers won't do this; they will oblige you to do things their way or the highway.   
• They will never say or make you feel: "You are not following me".  Or "You are doing it wrong."
• Knows that beginners are never wrong, women are never wrong, and neither are guys dancing as women.  There isn't really such a thing as wrong in this dance. The guy or the leading partner always takes responsibility and not in some patronising way. S/he will really feel it.  They are a guide.  What kind of guide would blame the party for which they are responsible?
• Dances with new guys with them in the woman's role.
• If a new dancer (in the guy's role) does something unpleasant, s/he might show him what it was like by dancing with him. The fewer words, the better.

So how to learn if you're a beginner? 

For guys or guy role dancers:

• Learn as the woman first
• Ask or put word out to the experienced social dancers that this is what you are looking for.
• Pay if necessary - not teachers, unless you admire their dance style, but social dancers whose style you like. 
• It can be harder for guys to 'let go' / trust. That is why it is even more important to choose someone you trust and feel comfortable with. Closing your eyes will probably help. Then again, trusting someone will probably help with closing your eyes.
• See the notes for women.
• Start dancing the man's role when you hear music you know and love and when you feel ready.
• In the man's role, walk.  There is no hiding anything when you 'just' walk.  The connection is very clear.  So is a lack of balance, a problematic embrace, everything...
• Try things out.  That is how your dance will be your dance.  Following your instinct can take nerve.  Be courageous!  But never forceful. 
• When you get to the point of wanting to do other stuff in the man's role, ask social dancers you respect how to do things you want to do. My experience is you learn what you want to do so much faster than in class. Be open, but know what works for you. Be clear about that.
• If you ask someone to show you how to do something in a practica, and then you try it yourself, it is hard to manage keeping your place in the ronda at the same time, so practice it in the middle. And don't leave the music out of it. That way, everything will come together much faster.
• Guys feel a responsibility to make things interesting for the woman, often with moves. Moves are not the answer. It is in the connection. That usually means slowing down, not speeding up.

For women or guys dancing in that role:

• Find experienced people to dance with in the milonga or the practica, ones who don't lecture you and with whom you enjoy dancing.
• Only dance with people you find nice to dance with.
• Don't think. Listen. Sense. Feel.  
• Good dancing is more about listening to the music and the partner than it is about repertoire and worrying about how your dancing looks.
• Look is not feel, yet look can tell you a lot.  Still, I dance with a guy who can look positively strange when he dances but he has twenty years experience, doesn't care what people think, I trust him and he feels divine.  
• Clue: which girls look happy, relaxed in the embrace.  Who are they dancing with?
• Be cautious about accepting guys who walk up to ask for dances. Use your eyes, your smile and your body language instead, to seek or avoid invitations.
• Unsolicited advice from partners is a warning sign. Also, you do not have to tolerate it. 
• Good partners will help you into the frame of mind where you relax, not where you think, still less, where you worry you are doing things 'wrong'.
• There is no such thing as wrong in this dance, there is just what happens. Don't let anyone tell you that you are doing something wrong. 
• Besides, 'wrong' leads to thinking. Thinking prevents dancing.
• When you are tolerating something through what you think is politeness, consider how polite the guy was to inflict it on you.
• Dancing with a guy is about trusting a guy. If you don't trust him you are not really going to enjoy the dance.
• If you close your eyes, it is easier to let go and be guided. Don't close your eyes with a guy you don't trust. Actually, why are you dancing with a guy you don't trust?
• If you are uncomfortable in any way, don't endure it. Say thank you, make an excuse, sit down. You are not obliged to be uncomfortable or unhappy in a dance. There is nothing polite about letting someone else make you miserable.
• Rough or forceful guys are insensitive and dangerous - to others and to your body, mind and soul.
• Refuse moves you don't want with your body. Tell the guy if necessary. Nice guys will understand. Sensitive guys will feel it. Be courageous. Don't be passive. Learn to protect yourself.
• Good dancers are usually the quietest ones, the ones easiest to miss. But this also depends on what you like. (See para 2)
• Less can be more. 
• Things happen in the pauses, if you let them.
• Nice partners take you back to your seat.
• If you've had such a good dance that, at the end, you are not entirely sure where you are in the room, unless the guy returns you to your seat, it really wasn't, ultimately, such a good dance.
• Becoming a good dancer is partly a relaxed state of mind and largely about time with good dancers in the milonga.
• Be patient. Let things develop in their own good time.

A: I am trying to figure out a way of telling how Troilo is different from D'Arienzo.
B: Best not to try. It will come. 

"El tango te espera" -- Anibal Troilo

• Ignore words - they just make you think! So ignore everything except: Find experienced people to dance with in the milonga or the practica, ones who don't lecture you and with whom you enjoy dancing.

Be aware that anyone asking you to pay them for teaching or advice has an interest in telling you things that will make you feel you have made progress, regardless of whether you have or not.  They will also tell you things that will make you feel you should return to them.  Beginners know little so it is perfect ground for exploitation.  All you can do is realise this, consider and perhaps ask social dancers you admire what 'progress' means.  

Personally, I think it's about finding dancing that is at least relaxed, worry-free, fun, subtle, nuanced and musical with people with whom you feel a good connection.