Now, I find dancing with non-dancing women is usually straightforward - unless the woman is very nervous. But it is a joy if that woman realises there is no reason to fear. But it is also why class, and even a milonga where they meet a predatory guy can be such a dangerous place for such girls. A bad encounter can destroy any remaining self-esteem in someone courageous enough to attend but fearful and distrustful. It isn't really true to say the person can walk away. If they are new and vulnerable, they probably don't feel they can easily excuse themselves from someone supposedly 'helping' them but actually damaging their confidence. That is why I think it is great when experienced dancers do what they can to prevent or try to repair any harm they see from 'pie-hunters' or those bent on becoming their controller.
In Britain, I do not usually see experienced dancers dancing well with new dancers. Either the really good ones tend not to bother, or they might but have controlling tendencies. The experienced but not good dancers lecture them or just don't dance well. The last place where I saw many experienced guys who looked good and who danced with many new (young) women was Milonga Popular in Berlin four years ago.
I see good dancers get the sense of the new woman and 'just' walk together in the way that is evidently most comfortable for the woman. They don't try to make them do the cross or ochos, or even, with some girls, pivoting. They simply find their balance together, their sense of one another and walk. Depending on the experience of the (guiding) partner, with most women that all comes much later, much, much later than classes would have you believe. None of this needs any talking.
With guys, I almost always only dance with beginners in inverted roles because I believe new guys have to learn in the woman’s role. They need to 'get' the dance first, to know what it's like to be guided, what feels good and what doesn't. That is why it is useful for men to be guided by both experienced and inexperienced dancers. As well as realising what feels nice, they can discover how awful it can be to dance with someone who has no experience of what it is like to be on the receiving end. And it is just that - a realisation from being shown. No-one needs to tell you stuff when you can feel it so much more efficaciously for yourself.
Imagine - or perhaps you have experience of - the pressure of trying to guide someone when you have little to no idea of what you are supposed to be doing. I feel so sorry for men in this position, even though they choose it. They make life so hard for themselves. That teachers, who teach in a beginner on beginner, guys lead, girls follow way, do this to guys strikes me as a particularly insidious form of torture. And in doing so they pander to outdated notions of gender stereotypes - but apparently it's OK under the banner of (purported) choice! Guys choose to do this. Only, they don't really, because they are not told about an alternative. That is because they would get good too quickly, realise things for themselves and go off to the milonga. Out walks the cash cow.
So when guys learn to dance as the woman it puts less pressure on them. Once they 'get' what the dance is, knows what it feels like to be the woman, are familiar with the music, then it is time to have a go themselves. How can they guide, musically - which is what dancing is - when they don't know the music? If you don't know the piece, you are not dancing, you are faking, being an automaton. Where is the well-spring of feeling, the energy that comes from music known and loved? There can be none, if you don't know the music.
Guys tend to lurch more than women in my experience. They move differently. Even guys who dance both roles but are, mostly, guides, tend not to move quite as smoothly as many women. Some you can feel holding back and that is because it is such a different experience for them. Some commit even more than women, which can mean they lean on you too much. It is always fascinating dancing with guys in swapped roles.
For a long time I wondered if the reason guys lurched more than girls was in part because practically no guys wear heels. Yet many women don't wear heels and don't lurch, so I wasn't convinced. So for many years my tango ambition was to dance with guys wearing heels. Finally, I met those guys at the Sheffield queer tango marathon in December. But before I danced with them in heels I danced with them wearing flats and by then I already knew it wasn't the heels that was going to make the difference. Many guys there, the French guys I danced with, danced better than most women I dance with. I nearly always guided them. It was just, heaven. I don't know why they moved so well. I suspect it was just that they are experienced in that role. Many of those I danced with seemed to prefer it and embraced that role naturally, so perhaps that had a bearing. When I danced with those in heels it didn't make all of the difference. It was just a slight difference. They moved so smoothly sometimes I was not even consciously aware whether they were in heels or not.
I find you need to protect yourself sometimes with guys - I mean guys who are not those great queer tango dancers. You can't be leant on or pulled because you will easily become injured. In that case it is just a matter of dancing in the open hold, which, with new people is often how they are most comfortable. If the guy seems good and we swap to traditional roles but it isn’t nice I simply swap back and do to them what they have done to me. Then I dance with them in the way that feels nicer. If guys don’t even feel the difference then that’s a warning that they are probably never going to get it.
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