Boundaries

Ice cream - always yes!

Some things we are clear about all the time and some only some of the time. This is true for our preferences, things that we know and for our values.  While the same son would always say yes to ice cream, having a photo taken after orienteering in Scotland in January, not so much...

A clear "No"!

Take preference:  My mother, 83 next week, finds the same things funny she always did, she will still cut the crusts off her sandwich, as she has always done, she prefers tea with lemon, she loves roses and freesias, she likes dogs but can't cope with birds.  

Take knowledge: My mothers memory is now sadly impaired but I remember my own address. I have to keep the knowledge I refer to when giving guided historical tours, or I will not remember it. 

Take values:  My mum's values remain as they always were.  If I tell her an anecdote in which someone being selfish or impolite she reacts with the same shock she always has.  She will always offer people eating at a table a condiment or a side dish first before helping herself.  In fact, ideally in my mum's world, she wouldn't help herself because someone would offer the same dish to her.  You are caught in a protracted "After you", "No, please, after you" as your dinner cools...   

Why someone refuses a dance could relate to any one of these things. You don't want to dance with her because you prefer someone else; because you know they like the more rhythmic orchestras, or because they come to the milonga when they are ill. The boundary regarding whether you do or don't dance flexes like an invisible force depending on how firm those particular preferences and values are and how definite that particular piece of knowledge is.

How do you know where someone's boundary is? Often, you don't until you try it out. When you do know, it is usually from past experience or because they or someone else tells you: "He never dances milonga"; "She prefer dramatic music"; "She loves dancing simply above all"; "He can't stand a sluggish ronda".

It is the same in life. People generally avoid others with different preferences. You may not find a classical music lover at a rave. How can you see people's differences in preferences on show? Where they interact in public. I see it never more clearly than in people's reaction to my dog. Some adore him, some become aggressive if we simply walk past and he always knows - in advance - who is who!

Some people keep pushing boundaries. The guy who told me not to look at my phone, was one example. I was recently pushed several times to go to a milonga an hour away by someone who wanted a lift.  I said I didn't know if I was going or not. They mentioned the good reason they knew I had to go. I said, noncommittally, that was true. They continued to push that boundary by reiterating the good reason I had to go and reminding me that this reason had an expiry date.

When people fall silent, it's a clear sign. The next sign is withdrawal. When someone still insists on pestering you, even confronting and trapping you, you end up in conflict. That can be what some characters want and only leads to harm. It is better to seek help or keep moving away.

Refusal in dance and in life is about setting boundaries. Setting boundaries come from experience, from knowing who you are, what your preferences and values are. Managing a boundary is harder still, especially when people are too obtuse to see them or set on disrespecting them. When we don’t accept someone's interest we are certainly saying “not right now” and maybe “not at all”.