Authenticity

When I looked up "authentic" in my photos, this is what came back.  The embrace, the expressions are all authentic.  The branding on the shorts decidedly isn't; quite the opposite, it's a form of standardisation.

I have been trying all manner of things to understand why I have continued chest and muscle pain on my left side, from the neck, down the shoulder and arm and to seek relief.  

Self-guided stretching and breathwork seemed to help. Meditation has also been useful. The old adage says time can be a great healer and I was getting better, ridiculously slowly.  Chest pain became palpitations, the palpitations became fewer, the muscle pain is less, at least while I keep up the exercises.  

Six weeks after ending up in hospital, which is now almost  two weeks ago, I went to a double milonga and sat with a younger friend during the first one.  We went out for dinner and then to the next milonga.  It was a lovely, social evening - nice dances, connections, compliments chat, especially with my dinner companion.  It was perhaps towards the end of the first milonga and certainly during dinner that the chest pain came back with a vengeance for no good reason at all that I could discern. I hadn't been dancing excessively. I decided I needed to sit on my own during the second milonga and told my friend they would get more dancing not sitting apart with me, but among the people, which was true  This brought little relief though.  I tried to ignore the pain and discomfort, eventually driving home, wondering if that was wise.  That relapse has continued though I now have a toolkit to address it. 

An Argentinian I chatted with recently said he was interested in trying meditation.  

- But you seem a very calm guy.

- I am, generally but I had panic attacks some years ago.  

He had done 'bioenergetics' to help with that, which seems to be physical movement, grounding and breathwork to unblock emotional or psychologically induced stress or tension that is causing pain in the body. It sounded just the ticket. 

I mentioned the mystery of my recent relapse.  

- You were afraid, he said.  Maybe you thought the same thing would happen with this other younger person.   

- I didn't feel afraid, I said.  That person is a different character from the one implicated in that harm and obviously I am very careful now. I was having a lovely time in the milongas apart from those symptoms.  

- Something in you was scared, he repeated.   

If the doctor is right that my heart is OK, then so far it seems the only explanation. 

His exercises suggestion was to stand with the knees flexed, arms above the head, eyes and mouth open The idea is you connect with the physical feeling and the emotion that is causing the pain.  I felt I had worked through those emotions enough already and didn't know what I was looking for.  Maybe that was the issue but the stance felt weird and I looked for another.

The one I found was to simply bounce gently on flexed knees and gradually shake out your shoulders and arms.  This felt good.  My Fitbit buzzed, saying I was earning "Active Minutes" when your heart rate is elevated and earning what are in essence exercise points.  To my horror, my heart rate had tripled to 190 with very little exertion, a number I never achieved even when put on a treadmill at the cardiologists.  Either that or the Fitbit wasn't accurate.  I wasn't tired or out of breath and I felt good.  I sat down in a hurry and my heartrate immediately returned to normal.

I was in no hurry to repeat that exercise but there seemed to be something in that "shake it out into the ground" idea.  There was an obvious similarity with some dance so I decided to try solo dance instead, guided by video.  The first video indeed was all about shaking it out, only more fun and with music. 

I am not (?yet) a solo dancer.  I have the same fear of solo dancing that I have had all my life.  I love tango because it's a shared endeavour.  I love salsa, because with the right person it can be really fun but a wave of panic comes over me if the guy lets go for more than a second.

The video was regular people led by a teacher proposing simple moves.  The overwhelming message in this video and others was to dance your own way:  not to copy or follow anyone else, that dance is about being individual and authentic.  

That individuality, originality, uniqueness that is particularly evident in the way guys dance in tango, is also the kind of tango dancing I love, the only kind, in fact. It is about an individual interpretation of the music, a wholly unique relationship with the partner.  It has nothing to do with steps. 

It is odd that on the one hand some of us, or some of the time, we seem to want the reliability and security of standardisation in life generally, in our cars, in the products we buy, certainly, I am sure in the healthcare we receive, but when we have that standardisation all the time, the lack of individuality deadens our souls.

Authenticity is from the word "authentes", one acting on one's own authority," from autos "self" + hentes "doer, being" "to accomplish, achieve". 

Being authentic then, would seem to be about being guided by oneself, being yourself, which requires confidence.  Where does confidence come from? Some combination of instinct, experience and good models and mentors, perhaps.