Judging character

Fox inspecting trap
Chuck Jones, Merrie Melodies, via Wikimedia Commons 

Character may almost be called the most effective means of persuasion.

 Aristotle, 'Rhetoric', Book 1

The lion cannot protect himself from traps, and the fox cannot defend himself from wolves. One must therefore be a fox to recognize traps, and a lion to frighten wolves.

                                                                                                                                                - Machiavelli

A guy of huge character, much humour and intelligence had been trying to get me to sing at an open session of music at his home. When I arrived everyone present had an instrument. I felt out of place, but I had been invited by the hostess who reassured me there was no pressure to sing, so I relaxed.

The man had enormous confidence.  An extrovert, he was good at everything.  He was funny, he sang well, he could vocalize and whoop with abandon.  He was my polar opposite. He played the guitar and the washboard and I don't know what else.  He was fantastic on the harmonica.  All this he did with an extraordinary, larger than life persona.  He was nonchalant as though these were minor talents - he dumbed it all down a bit, as though he were just a Sunday or barbecue musician.   But if music was an element, like water, the guy was a fish. 

To get me to sing he tried persuasion, humour, cajolement.  I felt a bit like an experiment - will she work or won't she? Eventually he let me know that everyone contributed, that was the ethos and if not Well, there's the door.  He said it lightheartedly but there was an edge.  

He was one of those who can judge others well. That is part of what can be a dangerous power, because it commonly accompanies the ability to bend people to your will, often through charm, charisma and intelligence.  Not everyone who has this power uses it this way but in recent years I had experience of someone who did. It takes a long time to reconcile two apparently contradictory facts: that you can admire someone and that they can make you feel at risk, uncomfortable, uncertain.  

As soon as you recognise this, the safer you are.  Or so I told myself, thinking I could handle it.  I was just watching, listening.  His topics, his language were interesting.  His way of seeing the world was different to mine. I was too on edge to say much myself and his interest only extended as far as his own topics, so I listened. But this suspected Machiavelli eventually turned on me with extraordinary viciousness, out of the blue, as I suspect he had turned on many before me.  Possibly he realised I was wise to him. Perhaps I unwittingly provoked him.  He would brook not the slightest challenge, could invent threat from thin air. His nostrils forever smoked with contempt at something or other. The legacy of the suddenness and shock of that jugular attack had been long-lasting.  On the other hand, it meant I was alert to warning signs in others.  

Men are disturbed, not by things, but by the principles and notions which they form concerning things.

                                                                                                                    - Epictetus. 'The Enchiridion'

So did this caustically sharp yet amiable host really mean sing or scram it or was it just another tactic? 

I was a guest, so submissive, yet if I were a fox, my fur would be rising at possible danger. It is not a comfortable position to be in and hard to stand outside the situation to assess it, when you are in the middle of it. 

Consciously or not, he probably knew my uncertainty about his intention might push me to take the leap. Then again there can often be a huge gap between what someone says and what you hear. 

No-one likes being pushed. It is a harsh tactic to scare someone or to make them overcome fear but it can make things worse. Push someone afraid of water into it and what will happen? They could break their teeth on the bottom.  They could drown.  They could survive, with a worse fear than before. Would they somehow discover how to swim? 

If he wasn't pushing, he was standing right behind me which is nearly the same thing.  Oh, the choice is yours, but if it's coerced it isn't really a choice.

I liked the guy, I admired him, but I was wary.  You can admire someone until the cows come home, but if your interactions leave you feeling vulnerable or worse, no matter whether their intentions are honourable or not, that is your relationship, that is your reality.