Too loud

The other day I went to the audiologist to get my ears sorted out.  One was sore, I wasn't hearing too well and the nurse had said they were completely blocked. She said lots of people's ears have gone into "overdrive" since Covid - a study has shown something has happened to people's ears, across a population, because of the illness or the vaccines. 

The service included a hearing testing afterwards. I was  nervous of the whole thing. I don't like seeing new professionals.  You don't know how much you can trust them.  Lots of professionals are really fucking stupid and do more harm than good.  

My hearing had been good. But when the kids were young they were so noisy that in frustration one too-early morning I shoved the earplug deep into my ear and it hurt a lot.  Eventually I went to the doctor.  Oh yes, it's damaged, she said.  And that was it.  No, No it's not serious.  No Don't worry, it will heal. No Here's something for it. I don't remember asking any questions.  I was so sad and disappointed  - and still in pain.  She didn't offer anything.  I went away thinking Well, that's that.  And thought, for years, my hearing must be impaired if my ear was damaged, though I didn't notice it. But deaf people don't, do they?  That's the thing.  My ear hurt on and off, when I got a cold or run down, it was like an alert, the way people's joints hurt sometimes in bad weather. I assumed it was the damage she spoke of.  It was one of those items of wear and tear that you accumulate over the years. 

This audiologist had struck me as a no-nonsense type.  She talked at me for a few minutes.  God, will I say anything or just grin and bear it? I thought. But then it was my turn. What was the problem etc. She was nice, patient.  Eventually, I confessed why I was so nervous. Actually, I didn't realise until I was in there, saying so. My hearing had been great.  Maybe now it wasn't. Dad had died.  Our family had fractured irreparably with anger, distrust and recrimination since then. I left that bit out.  I just couldn't cope with any more bad news.  

I could hear well enough.  I went out now and then to overloud music events - which was practically all of them - and tried to protect my hearing to an extent; took breaks, tried to chat outside where possible, left if it was too loud. I was sensitive to sound, traffic, noise, audio distractions bothered me more than they seemed to bother others. I was at a Latin festival recently where kids were constantly popping balloons and each time I jumped as if a bomb had gone off, to the surprised looks of  other people.

To lighten the mood and explain the professionals-delivering-bad-news fear I told her another story of a so-called professional bra-fitter.  When I was in my twenties I used to wear my mum's bras.  Eventually I went for a fitting, only to find out that like most women I was wearing completely the wrong size.  Mum was never that bothered or instructive about things like that. It was a good lesson to get early.  Well, the fitter said, the damage is done.  I looked at her, aghast.  What damage?  I liked my boobs, had had no complaints whatsoever; quite the contrary - and was still getting emphatic compliments some thirty years later. But this woman who ought to have been turned upside down. plugged in and her head used as a jackhammer to break roads, knocked my confidence.

The audiologists laughed a lot so, linking boobs and ears I told her about this fantastic reel on the now 81 year old American writer, Nikki Giovanni.

Ten years ago, somebody with an opinion worth having - and a sound engineer - had said, Coo, good ears when I commented on one of the skipped beats [a retouch] in the Laurenz recording of No Me Extraña.  There's one at 10 seconds on this recording and a smaller one at 26 seconds. I experience these imperfections as a kind of tension and release, because I know they are coming but I also love them because they are part of what gives this recording its identity. 

I have wondered if good hearing helps with learning languages - both accent and patterns. I'm not sure and haven't looked into it. I think it is more to do with method.

Years later, there was a discussion about the quality of a new recording, on one of the tango blogs, I forget where now.  I didn't think the recording was that good.  I recall a friend didn't either.  The bloke who produced it turned up.  I recall him as defensive and belligerent and there was a spat between me and my friend on the one hand and him on the other.  The friend setup a brilliant blind (for ears!) test to see who could tell which was the better recording of some options. I can't find the discussion now but my memory of this unpleasant person is one of these people - there are DJs like this - who walk around a room with sound equipment testing if the sound is good.  Dancers use their ears and complain if they don't like it.  What's the DJ going to do - wave his technology and say "My stick says it's fine"?  But the sheeple would probably accept that - and deserve what they get. 

But anyway this twat from the company  - that I would now never buy from given simply on the basis of how rude and patronising he was - struck me as one of these types that swagger or traipse, dismally around with their equipment.  The equivalent strikes me of men who buy flash cars to hide their insecurities elsewhere. I recall feeling just sat on.  The message  - in public -  was: You use your ears.  How very primitive. You know nothing. I am a professional.  I have lots of equipment.  Obviously I am right. I suppose he thought he had to say that for his company's credibility but I'm sure he believed it. That wasn't exactly what he said.  That's what it felt like. Sneered at. 

Perhaps the right answer to this, is actually to say Are you feeling alright? because someone intent on patronising others, effectively saying in public that they are faulty, wrong and dismissing them has problems. But I prefer to just walk away, which is what I did and let their words stay on the internet, wherever they are, for posterity. 

By the time she had finished with my ears, the audiologist had won my trust enough for me to agree to the hearing test, though one ear was still sore and they were both still adjusting.  When she showed me the results, all I could see was a red line on or near zero.  Fuck fuck fuck.  Why did I agree to this?  I thought. I had been happy with what had patently now been proven as bad hearing.  

So, she explained gently, in the manner of someone breaking bad news, the blue line is your left ear and the red line is your right.  We consider 'normal' - and just so you know, 'normal' is taken from people aged 25-30 - about 25 thingamijigs.  She didn't say thingamijigs.  I'm just being primitive.  She's giving me time to prepare myself for hearing aids. She's trying to let me know  I thought. I should feel less bad, because I'm double the age of the "normal" people.

And yours is well above that.  I looked at her in shock. Mine was mostly at the scale where they didn't have a scale any more. 

The method of the test is to listen to quiet noises on headphones and press a button when you hear them. My left ear, which is actually the one that doesn't tend to hurt, showed, during the test, a deviation from my average.  While it was being tested the audiologist was writing with her pen, which I could hear loudly, through the headphones. It was distracting so I had to ask her to stop, further breaking my concentration.  Whether that is why the test dropped down at that point or not, I don't know.  I tell myself it is - and am happy doing so. Christ knows, when people can be so keen to pull you down, you need to give yourself a little boost now and then. 

Marvellously, though, the audiologist did:  

Oh, she said, as I was leaving. Your results explain why you are sensitive to sounds.  You hear everything louder than everyone else. For those of inclined to be sometimes slow on the uptake, who need the bleeding obvious pointed out, we can feel, and in this instance I did feel, immensely grateful.